Clue: The Death of Martha and the Random Events
by Mr.Hollywood
Summary: Clue classic characters and their Zanny personalities try to solve the Murder of Martha Bigston. M for Mature Randomness.


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Clue: The Death of Marth and the Random Events

By Alexander Wojcik

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Chapter 1: Martha and the Killer

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Martha Bigston was not a big woman. She was an extremely big woman, clocking in at around 654 pounds; no one had really weighed her. She just guesstimated her over all weight. This bothered many of the other residents of the Eulc Hotel. Many of the guests did not wish to see an overweight woman with a rather obvious mustache, trotting around at night while they slept. Miss Scarlet needed to get her beauty sleep, and Mrs. Peacock could not sleep if Miss Scarlet is up in the wee-hours of the morning, bitching to Mr. Black, the owner of the mansion. In fact, all the other guests complained about Martha. Colonel Mustard was extremely antsy to pull out Ol' Loyola, hi famous hunting rifle and pop a cap in Martha and her large ass. Professor Peter Plum tried to work with these terrible conditions, his portable laboratory made up of lead pipes was badly bruised, along with his ego, when Martha "Accidentally" thought the pipes were a new brand of Licorice.

All the guests had problems, all of them, except Mrs. White. Poor Mrs. White, her philosophy on life was "Never Complain, Never Explain". She did all the house work, all the yard work, cleaned up after the idiots Mr. Black called guests. And she was never thanked, never at all. She may have even never been noticed if it wasn't for Mr. Green. Mr. Green one day dropped his rope belt on the floor, in the kitchen were Mrs. White was making dinner. She went to pick it up, and gave it to Mr. Green, where she held it out for him. Mr. Green looked at her in an impatient manor, and waited for her to reach over, a whole two feet, and lay it into his hands. Instead she threw the rope belt on the floor, and proceeded on with her dinner preparations.

"Excuse me, you old bat! That is my belt, I expect you to pick it up and hand it to Me." said Green.

"If you haven't noticed, Sir, but I'm making your freakin dinner for you and your inbreed group of guests." replied White.

"Inbreed? Who you callin inbreed, have you seen your wrinkly old ass in the mirror." said Green.

At this point, Mrs. White turned around, faced Green, and proceeded to drop kick Green in his crouch. Mrs. White is not a violent person, but she had deadly aim.

"Have you seen your shriveled balls!" yelled White.

Dinner that night was served promptly at 8:07 at 24 seconds. The clock began ticking. It was an awkward silence at the table. There was no slurping or loud chewing coming from the far end, Martha was missing.

"Oh thank you lord, Martha is missing from the table, might as well enjoy the time alone. Anyway, Mr. Green, how was your day? I saw you earlier waddling to your room, are you alright?" asked Mr. Black.

In a high pitched, nasally voice.

"Yes, I am quiet all right. Please can I have some Ice Teeeeeeeeeeeeaa?"

All the guests stared as Mrs. White walked over to Mr. Green. In one hand she carried a pitcher, the other, a knife.

"More tea for you Mister, oh, I mean Misses Green?" she asked, not raising her eyes off of Mr. Green.

"Um, I am sorry to ask, but, um, why do you have a knife? And why are you pointing it at me?"

"Oh, this old thing, it's just my comb, that it, well, it is, um, a Norwegian comb, yes, and a Norwegian comb that can cut people."

The Guests stared at White. She slowly got up, and walked off to the back room.

"You all call me a liar! I swear, I will cut you, I will cut you all!" she said as she dashed off into the kitchen.

"Iz the Bitch alwayz this crazzy? I aam beginning to worry about my zafety." Pompously said Mrs. Peacock in a broken French accent.

"Oh, heavens no. It's just Monday evening. You should see her on Monday Mornings, she likes to kick."

At this point, Green was on the carpet, and was squeaking for more Ice Tea.

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10 minutes earlier.

Martha was washing her face, as she has always done so before she went to dinner. She thought to herself that she was a beautiful woman that belonged along side with all these beautiful men and woman. Maybe she and Ms. Scarlet could do each other's hair! How exciting! This was a wonderful place. Full of wonderful things, the doorways are the only problem. She constantly got stuck in them whenever she tried to exit or enter a room. How could they create such a wonderful building and not have wide enough doorways? It is simply criminal. After she was done combing her mustache, she went to powder her nose; a noise from the front of the room altered her attention.

"Hello? Peter, is that you with chocolates? I know how much you love me, but I am not very fond of men who wear purple. If you did bring chocolates, leave them by the door. I simply love chocolate!"

She turned around and saw an apricot on the floor.

"Oh my, an apricot! My favorite fruit! Come to mama!" she said as she stomped towards the apricot. The apricot was tied to a string, and was being pulled out to the door.

"Listen here you lil' bitch, you are going into my stomach whether you like it or not. So stop dicking around… oh my, there I go talking to fruit again. The Doctor said I was loony, but I'm not, I'm a Cancer."

The Apricot rolled out of the doorway, and went down the hallway. After a long wrestle out the door way, Martha began to chase, or what seemed to be a marathon for her, the apricot down the hallway, past the pipe, the gun, the Norwegian comb, past the rope belt and the wrench, and past Loyola, until she reached a dead end.

"Got you, you little shit. Now let me eat you!"

Grabbing the apricot, she settled and began to devour the so called fruit.

"I got you now Bigston!" exclaimed a voice behind Martha.

"Oh my God! Is it really you Kool-Aid man!!!" gleefully shouted Martha.

"Kool-Aid man?, no, I'm someone else."

"Captain Jack?"

"No."

"Frodo?"

"No."

"Tinkerbell?"

"What? No."

"Charlie and the chocolate factory?"

"Hell no!"

"The one dude from Star Wars with the gun?"

"The green one?"

"No no, the one with the jetpack."

"Boba Fett?"

"Yes him!"

"I wish but no, I am the one who was sent for you!!"

"Well, I'm sorry Frodo, but I am happily engaged to Professor Plum!"

"He proposed to you?!"

"Yes! Didn't you hear? He gave me chocolates!!! All over my room!"

"Martha, those were dead termites."

"Holy shit! He didn't propose?!"

"Dead termites not sinking in yet?"

"Are you hitting on me?"

"If I say yes, will you shut up?"

"You perv!"

"Oh my God, just shut up!"

"Make me you perv!"

At this point, the shady figure of George Washington pulled out a mystery weapon and chased Martha into a mystery room (if I gave you these things, it would be no point in writing this story).

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Present time.

Colonel Mustard hurried to the restroom. He had never run so fast before in his life, except for the one time he ran from the mist fiercest beasts in the world, his Ex-wife. She had nearly killed him with a slice of whole-wheat bread, and a packet of ketchup, a hard thing to do, but he managed to break her wrists, and ripped out her appendix, which was already infected with APPENDICIDES. He kept the appendix in a medicine cabinet in his room at the Hotel. While he ran, he thought of something.

"Hmm, the bathroom was the other direction. And where the hell is Loyola?"

These questions plagued his mind as he began to pee his pants. Another question arose in his mind.

"Why the hell am I in this Hotel?"

He kept on running.

Present time.

"Plum! You idiot, you got your hand on my plate, and you won't stop touching my face!" yelled Ms. Scarlet as she tried to eat her food.

"Teacher! Teacher! Plum won't stop touching my plate!"

"Shut up!! Before I molly-wop both y'all asses inward!" yelled Stella Nightgale, the Co-owner of the Hotel.

"But Teacher, Amy Scarlet has more food than me, and she is so mean to me on the play…. Wait, what am I saying… it must be that reefer kicking in." said Plum.

"You had some too? I thought I was the only risky one in the house?" asked Ms. Scarlet.

"You think you're the only risk taker? Well I planted a box of chocolates in front of Martha's room."

"Touché" said Ms. Scarlet as she pulled out a bottle of rum. "Would you care for some? What goes better then Reefer and rum?"

"I like your style Ms. Scarlet."

"Please call me Amy."

"You call that a rack? Thoze are thee fakest boobz I have ever seen. Plum, look at theze!" jealously protested Mrs. Peacock.

"A little jealous Peacock? I can afford new boobs, unlike you."

"Well at leazt I am not a not a Bulimic Proztitute."

"You go granny!" egged on Stella.

A giant, basketball buzzer went off in the dining room, and there was a score board above Peacock and Scarlet. They each had a point, and in the background, the Mortal Combat Theme was playing.

"Well, Mrs. PeaCOCK, how much money do you have? Enough for a Casket or an Urn?"

DING

"More than you will ever have zweetheart!"

DING

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you? Your too old, your voice is too low."

DING

"I can't hear you, your fake boobz are getting in your way."

DING DING DING.

"Bitch, I one thiz floor. You got nothing on me." Said the victorious Peacock. "Plum, do you want a really woman? Wait, were did he go?"

"Oh, he ran off to the bathroom, said he had to do something." Answered Stella.

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Present time.

Colonel Mustard was in the extremely large Bathroom, doing his business. He stood there, and looked at the wall ahead of him. What he saw was fresco of a bathhouse.

"Oh my…."

Looking up, he saw the same thing, only bigger. Sighing, he closed his eyes. From the background, he heard a soft padding, and a brushing noise.

"Hello, Loyola, is that you? Wait, what? Damn wine must have been laced with confusion juice." Those bastards from India want him dead, and they have probably sent an assassin to kill him while he took his pee. He zipped up his fly, and kicked the stall door open, which swung back, and bounced off the wall and hit Mustard in his face.

"Bastards rigged the doors to kill me!"

He felt something brush on his foot. He went into a panic, and kicked the cat to the wall. The cat, hit the wall, and ricocheted to his face.

"Oh my, a pussy!! Cat!"

The cat landed on his face, and ripped it to shreds.

"Walter! Walter! Bangladesh is attacking me! Get Commander Johnny, and round up his troops, Loyola must be saved!"

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Present time.

Mr. Black ran to the upstairs study. He knew what he had to do. Mrs. White had gone off the deep end. She could not be stopped. He knew she was following him up the stairs. He reached the top of the stairs, and saw White with her Norwegian comb.

"Black, where are you going? I thought you liked my dinner?"

"Well, you see Mrs. White, I, uh, it's not you, it's me, it's just, you know, I like, uh, oh for God sake, you suck as a cook!"

"Call Domino's, I dare you."

The phone, the man, the woman, staring, at the phone. Mr. Black Pulled out tennis balls, and cocked his arm. He threw the balls with all his might at Mrs. White. They hit with a force that sent her flying towards the window, at the end of the hallway. She hit the window, and it shattered.

"Call Pizza Hut!" where Whites last words.

The Phone rang.

"Hello?" answered Black.

"Is Martha Bigston there? We would like to talk to her."

"Yes, let me find her. May I ask who is calling?"

"This is Albertson's; we are calling about her bill."

Ten Minutes after Scarlet lost the fight.

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"That Bitch, at least I'm hot!" yelled Ms. Scarlet as she ran to her room. She was crying, not out of anger, but to lose water weight.

"I am not a prostitute. I am a professional escort!"

She ran, and tripped over a giant, no I mean giant, bump in the carpet. She peered over the bump.

"Hmm, why would there be a large bump on the floor that smells like a corpse? May be this is what Peacock's ego looks like, and probably smells like."

She lifted the carpet, and it revealed the Corpse of Martha Bigston.

"Hey Everyone!!!! Martha is dead!!!"

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Plum was leaving the bathroom, relieved after his pee. He walked over to the kitchen and saw a small, brown cat walking around the floor of the kitchen; it was walking into the walls, and the cabinets. It stumbled, and it fumbled around. Plum, who had seen this before went over to the cat.

"Hey there, lemme see that collar of yours. Hmm, Pineapple, unusual name."

Lighting struck out of nowhere. It hit, Pineapple collapsed, and Plum flipped over to his side.

"War has started!" he yelled.

"War! War! Where? Is It Johnny? I lost Walter to Bangladesh. Poor chap, had no fighting talent what so ever." Replied Colonel Mustard when he walked by, his face all scratched up.

"Mustard, what happened to you?"

"Loyola wasn't there, that coward. Hope she burns in hell.

"Okaaay?"

Lightning struck again, and it lit up a teenager in a poncho outside in the garden.

"AGGGHHHHH!" both yelled Mustard and Plum.

"Hey, can you guys let me in?"

"Call Pizza hut!" a voice echoed.

The teenager was hit by the falling body of Mrs. White.

"Hey Everyone!!!! Martha is dead!!!"

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Next Moment.

"I have called you all to the library for an important reason." Said Black in a monotone voice.

"Why?" asked Peacock.

"I need to know what toppings to order on the pizza."

"Pepperoni" said Scarlet.

"Anchovies" said Plum.

"Jelly Beans" said Stella.

"Anything French" said Peacock.

"Squirrel meat!" said Mustard.

"Ice TEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA!" said Green.

"Pineapples" said Pineapple.

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What has happened to Mrs. White? Who killed Martha? Who is Walter? And where is Loyola? The answers on the next installment of** Clue: Random House**


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